The last soldier!

Have you ever felt helpless? Have you ever felt like its enought trying? Have you ever felt that dissatisfied enough that you question your very basics of character?

Well, i did that. Tonight. I felt helpless. I felt like there nothing i can do. I cant chage people. I cant show them what bothers me. They are too stubborn, or self-confident... that i can sooner go crazy, than something will be changed.

My best friends. Having an argument with them. Saying that i dont like something, please change that behaviour.

But no, changing something like that, even that its wrong, means losing their identity. WTF???

My best friend. I told her that i need closeness in order to communicate. She needs the opposite. While i was the one who was in touch with her, sending mails, calling, it was ok. Since i stopped playing by her rules, her preferences, just to see what will happen, i havent heard from her in months. So simple. Things go in different direction. She doesnt make the effort.

My best friend. We have lots of different opinions. Almost about everything. Since i was lowering my standards, since i was the one saying sorry all the time, since i tolerated the bullshit that happened every now and then and tried to make it work. And lets see if he will do the same for me...But no, now we are getting distanced. Cant recognize him anymore. He didnt do any effort.

And i hear you say, well, if this is true what you are saying, they weren't your best friends.

The thing is that they are. Really. I know that they care about me! And i love them too.

So i wonder. Is it me that its asking too much? I know that its not, being completly truthful to my self. Can i change so much that i will fit to them all??? Yes. But, is that the purpose? Does the means justify the goal?

I am not so sure.

I always thought that people can change easily. That once they identify what they wanna do, they just...do it. That's supposed to make them happy. Well, i guess i was wrong.

They dont change! They just say they do. Or maybe for a while. And after they come back to their comfort zone, and they do it all over again. Just as they were doing it before.

They forget about their beliefs, they forget about their principles or dreams, they just dont want to feel...wrong.

There is nothing bad in getting off the "way" sometimes. There is nothing bad in acting like i have no principles. There is Nothing bad like acting like everyone else in this world, right???

Ignorant, selfish.

If everyone else can live like that, why cant i?

Well, i guess i cant. Or i am the last soldier out at the front line.